Updated: Dec 18, 2019
We do things for people and they like it. They like us for it so we repeat. This conditioning teaches us how our behaviors can influence others in a positive way and reflect back to us what we want to experience. We give our time, attention and resources because it is needed and feels right, but if left unchecked, it can become harmful to the self.
When gaining approval is the motivation behind the act, giving can burn us out, leave us feeling used or at worst, manipulative.
If you are trying to be all things to all people, this is referred to as a human doing. You are valued for what you do for others and not for who you are... a human with needs, goals and imperfections.
Are you able to make mistakes?
Do others make your needs a priority?
Will you be comforted when you feel lonely?
Do you feel taken advantage of?
High performers tend to have high expectations of themselves, because they have the discipline to get things done. With this skill, other people may see you as willing and able while never understanding your internal struggle.
By tying your behaviors to your values, it changes the focus from approval to personal responsibility. This will allow you to decline more decisively and ultimately provide you with more energy to give to the things which align with your goals. It reduces resentment as you are now choosing to act in accordance to your value system and not based on what someone else expects from you. It’s coming from a place of being self-assured and not from gaining approval.
The next time someone makes a request of you, ask yourself one question... Am I doing this so they will like me, or am I doing this as it is what I value?
Approval: I want my partner to love me, so I clean up after everyone. Choice: I value a clean home, so I take care of the household. Approval: I want this person to like me, so I give at detriment to my business or other team members.
Choice: I value a sustainable business, so I sometimes need to make unpopular decisions.
Approval: I want people to be happy with me, so I will try to accommodate all requests on my time. Choice: I value my time, so I may say no to things.
When you know your values, and act in accordance, you are a human being.
Book online at OrendaLeadership.com to understand more about your values and priorities to focus on a direct path. There are certain tools to facilitate this process.